Masturbation and Murder – The Danger of Shame

Corporate Pride Month – The Act of Pander Slander

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Masturbation and Murder likely seem to be two distinct topics with very little overlap. The consequence of shame, however, is near-universal in both scope and application. Interestingly, masturbation is damn-near universal as well.

Yes, I masturbate. Statistically, you do as well, with 98% of American males and 76% of American females1 taking part in either flogging the weasel or checking for joystick drift. I cautiously posit the remaining 2% of men as either too old to choke the chicken, confused how to use it, or outright full of shit.

Yet somehow, it’s not acceptable for us to discuss masturbation as part of our daily habits. We talk often of dentistry, or having children, but the moment someone asks about masturbation that person is immediately ‘abnormal’.

Masturbation with a partner, however, is much more socially acceptable. You start the dinner party conversation with the briefest of mentions about trying to fill the gym sock from 1993, and it’s suddenly a social faux pas since someone isn’t helping milk the one-eyed cow. Conversely, women (that I’ve met) enjoy being able to say ‘we’re trying for a baby’ which is a strange means of conveying how often you’re allowing your significant other to dribble a copious quantity of cum inside the ol’ cavern of secrets.

This likely stems from older times when skinning the lame cat was akin to inviting Lucifer himself to reside within your nutsack. Yet this stigma, less humorously, likely steeped in religious histories where chastity was embraced and sex was against the will of God (aka the local religious leader) unless specifically for reproduction.

This has likely resulted in a loss of sexual history over time.

More modern sexual activities can include eating ass, sounding (the placement of long objects into the urethra of a male), and a wide variety of other activities ranging from kinky to outright bonkers. Yet even in the modern era, many struggle to adequately explain the birds and the bees to their children. 😠

Thanks Dad

I’ll never forget when my father finally stopped to give me a quick talk about the birds and the bees. At this point, I was seventeen and had already prostituted myself once. He said, ‘I guess we need to talk about girls now. I guess you can probably tell me more than I can tell you.’ Ever quick to make the joke, and I miss the damnable man, but he kinda missed the mark by about five years.

And Now With Less Fun

Planned Parenthood released a report that may inspire confidence: 92% of parents talk to their children about sex, including relationships, while 87% discuss when sex should or should not take place. 60% of parents discuss birth control with their children. 43% find themselves comfortable with discussing sex with their children.

As a brief aside, if you do not talk to your children in-depth about sex, they will find someone who will. 😠

Sexual History

If we’re struggling to talk to our kids about sex and birth control, you know we’re struggling as a species to pass on to the progeny various acts best orchestrated with copious amounts of lubricant and Barry Manilow in the background. The finger in the anus during a blow job was likely invented sometime around 12,000 BC – a concern about ‘what’s socially acceptable to discuss,’ however, then buried that information until 2006, when an enterprising 48-year-old woman wanted to check my trash chute.

Teenage birth rate is consistently a problem, resulting in young women dropping out of high school and trapped in a life of Sisyphean misery. Many people believing that birth control is unacceptable and whatever religion they follow exacerbates this. Rather than fixing the issues of these social pariahs, various outlets opted to make dramas out of their lives and elevate the behaviors to popularity.

Then the resulting pregnancy (which could have been avoided with masturbation) results in a conversation about at what point in an embryo’s life it is considered murder. Amazing how closely masturbation and murder seem to stroll about in life.

Yes, this shit is difficult to talk about. Part of the mantle that you must adopt, however, is to get the fuck over yourself and speak plainly towards those who need instruction. Yet stigma, shame, embarrassment, whatever you need to call it, has long-ranging consequences that consistently reverberate across humanity.

A Broader View of Shame

This shame stretches far beyond controversial subjects such as sex (gasp), but the difficulties of shame continue into humanitarian efforts and learning from the darker moments of human history. Getting the hell over these shameful events, and learning to talk about them without tripping over your words like Helen Keller playing hopscotch, is vital to the survival of humanity. Masturbation and murder have a very precise shared connotation – shame.

Let’s shift gears for a moment: on June 4th, 1989, the Chinese government was being protested against by students located within Tiananmen Square.

Troops and heavy armor fired at the protestors, leading to the death of many (the Chinese government consistently struggles to account for the number of people it kills). The Tiananmen Square Massacre is a black mark (one of many) against the Chinese government, and they do not educate people on the incident. In fact, the stigma is so strong that Chinese citizens refuse to note it out of fear from government backlash.

This is something that should be taught, although the government abstaining from it is not entirely radical: it teaches upcoming generations of the totalitarian maneuvers that they are willing to enact to ensure policy and doctrine is adhered to, at the risk of death. The Hong Kong riots, where police members killed and raped wantonly, are a grim echo of the Tiananmen Square Massacre. This is likely closer to rape and murder, but we’ll stick with masturbation and murder presuming that the Chinese police officers jerked it to the memory of killing a bunch of civilians.

This may all be old news, but all that is old will one day be young again: Texas is now moving to cover up specific aspects of its unsavory history out of stigma and shame, specifically the usage of slaves, the segregation of African Americans, and the general anti-Mexican antics of the state’s sordid past.

Frickin’ Texas, Man

Now, no one is necessarily going to bat an eye at Texas being the generally red-headed stepchild of the United States. It attempted to secede from the United States (twice, I think), Texans believe themselves to be steeped in an unironic pride, and the students actually pledge allegiance to Texas every morning.

I Pledge Allegiance, To Politicians

I like being honest. The whole shtick of having children pledge their allegiance to the United States every morning they go to school is fucking bizarre at best. For a country that really enjoys sticking its nose in everyone’s business, it almost seems like an indoctrination aimed at ensuring children don’t need to critically examine the nation. It’s like singing hymns at church, it is less awkward when everyone else is doing it, but when you critically examine it, profound idiocies are laid bare.

Yet a more far-reaching possibility is even more concerning – a heft of textbooks for the United States comes from Texas2, and with that comes the ability to alter history for the rest of the nation. Because of the shame that old people did stupid shit, somehow great descendants of those morons are tasked with covering it up.

Both masturbation and murder can result in shame, depending on who walks in while you’re committing either one. There should be shame for past actions, as a state, a nation, even for an individual. It shows that there have been leaps in maturity and understanding when you can look at prior actions and be shamed by it, that you have grown as an entity. You cannot undo what prior generations have done. You can, however, grow from it: that is the best result for grievous errors against humanity.

There is something to be said for pushing beyond the knee-jerk reaction of shame and stigma. Perhaps not to the level where we are discussing clit-manipulation during the dinner party, but to where we can identify and mitigate the level of things that are ‘improper’ to discuss. The human condition, as it is commonly known, is far-reaching with untold implications and consequences. The sooner we embrace that, and the resulting masturbation and murder, the stronger we can become.


  1. Donaghue, C. (2018, June 27). World’s Largest Masturbation Survey Uncovers How Traditional Views of Masculinity Prevent Men from Having Fulfilling Sex Lives & Relationships.–relationships-300638644.html
  2. Romero, S. (2021, May 20). Texas Pushes to Obscure the State’s History of Slavery and Racism. The New York Times.

Image credit: Felipe Pelaquim |

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