Can I get a Bailout
how to find a mate
fuck everything suicide

Can I Get a Bailout? – The Benefits of Being Rich

How to Find a Mate – A Mathematical Theory Of Sex

Fuck Everything – A Note On Misery And Suicide

Dark Light

There’s a bizarre juxtaposition between the wealthy and citizens in the United States, and it’s almost endearingly retarded. This one stretches far beyond political flannel, however, where taxpayers are forced to offer funds towards the wealthy with no say, instead of actually investing into the infrastructure of our country. Can I get a bailout?

Every pothole I hit, I’m reminded that my vehicle and resulting repairs are less important than Wells Fargo (which received a $25 billion bailout1 while stealing money from citizens2) as the US Treasury found Wells Fargo to be a ‘healthy bank’. Wells Fargo returned the money after a reported $2.28 billion profit on it. The best way to make money is to start with money, which seems backward šŸ˜ , but what do I know? I’m not rich. Can I get a bailout?

It Makes Sense If You Don’t Think

The backward equations are uniquely American, as far as I can tell.

A struggle that I’m personally familiar with is that of seeking employment, and the equation that presents itself is a hell of a head-scratcher.

Many companies want college graduates with experience already under their belt for entry-level positions. Employees desperately seeking work are stuck seeking entry-level positions, and they can’t get experience until they land one. So everyone is ultimately fucked because no one seemingly views the equation as a whole.

The total bailouts are, as of February 16, 2021, $634 billion3, with $390 billion returned. Now, the act of returning the money, for money, seems all well and good, until you realize what that money could actually be invested towards. Much as investing in corporations can result in profits, so too can investing in citizens reap profits. Education, safe policing, road maintenance, medical care – the possibilities (which would have positive and direct benefits for citizens) is damn near endless.

More Questions Than Answers

Instead, we’re giving wealthy people more money. Because who else could possibly need a couple billion. Can I get a bailout?

Blue Origin is slated to receive a $10 billion bailout4 as the CEO, none other than brutalist entrepreneur Jeff Bezos (worth $194 billion) is offering tickets to space for $28 million a pop5. The same guy that has warehouse employees pissing in bottles for the sake of speed. Precisely what we’re bailing out the second-richest man in the world for is a god damned puzzle wrapped in an enigma, as they play with rockets, but healthcare is a fucking privilegešŸ˜ .

Permission to Live, Sir?

In order to pay for medical expenses, people need medical insurance which is prohibitively expensive, although less expensive than trying to pay out of pocket. Hopefully, you have employment when stricken by illness, because if you’re suffering from cancer and embroiled in a job search you’re going to have a bad fucking time. No one wants to hire someone near death’s door.

When this inequality is brought up, somehow the conversation gets ass-backward too. People start chanting about freedom and shit instead of asking for basic protections offered in the overwhelming majority of first-world countries. I think it comes down to how you view helping others.

If I helped ten people, but only one actually needed it, that’s a safe trade in my eyes. Maybe I’m a bleeding heart, but people are dying daily in the United States because they can’t afford insulin: a medicine that wasn’t patented to ensure it could save lives, that now costs roughly $300 per vial.

Fuck them, though, right? Experiencing this shit hole of an existence is a privilege offered only to people who are wealthy. It’s frankly unlikely to change, either – the morons in charge of these laws don’t give a damn until they need to suffer through it, and these guys determine what their own salary is, so the proles are, as is tradition, fucked in the butt.

As taxpayers, we’re effectively offering the rich handouts to continue lording over us proles, and we don’t get a fucking say in it. There should be fury, instead of relative indifference. Shit-heels are oh-so-eager to protest a pandemic, but when it comes to lopsided equations favoring those that are in power, dead fucking silence heralded by news stations and various outlets that try to paint this as political instead of the rich versus the poor. For the love of blowjobs, can I get a bailout?

Just a Couple Million, Please

I’m pretty sure I qualify on all fronts for a bailout, as they have been offered towards companies in the past, at least. I consistently make poor financial decisions, at least as much as a gold-plated Winnie the Pooh fleshlight could be considered as a ‘poor financial decision’. I think I’ll struggle to swindle people, much as multiple banks have done in the past, so on that front I am frankly unqualified.

Actually, this may be the singular failure in me seeking a multi-billion dollar bailout. I always strive to treat people with the utmost respect, regardless of race and creed. I couldn’t imagine forcing factory workers to piss into bottles to save me pennies(like Amazon), or stealing data from customers and signing them into unfavorable contracts to steal money (Wells Fargo), or selling toxic mortgages for tax incentives (Bank of America, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac).

I can work on being a more-toxic version of myself, though. If I try really hard, I can also smear those less fortunate than myself while similarly heralding an impressive lack of empathy. If I struggle, and lose most morals and values, I think I can also chase profits no matter who is waylaid by my disgusting chase of more money. Perhaps, this is where the ‘Eat the Rich’ mantra comes from. They clearly have no issue doing the same to us.

With this in mind…can I get a bailout?

  1. Nguyen, P. K. and D. (2021, February 16). Bailout Tracker. ProPublica.
  2. Flitter, E. (2020, February 21). The Price of Wells Fargo’s Fake Account Scandal Grows by $3 Billion. The New York Times.
  3. Nguyen, P. K. and D. (2021, February 16). Bailout Tracker. ProPublica.
  4. Sirota, S., & Grim, R. (2021, May 25). Senate Preparing $10 Billion Bailout Fund for Jeff Bezos Space Firm. The Intercept.
  5. Schneider, A. (2021, June 12). An 11-Minute Flight To Space Was Just Auctioned For $28 Million. NPR.

Related Posts