fuck everything suicide

William Braddock – Acting Hard When You Can’t Get Hard

Fuck Everything – A Note On Misery And Suicide

Spaghetti Forgetti – Pastafarianism Rejected in Australia

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For far too long have our political representatives (or overlords, whichever) have been trapped by two very inconvenient truths. They ultimately must be voted into the political circle-jerks by the American proles, and politics remains an aspect of debate. For one potential Congressman, William Braddock, the time has apparently come to enlist hitmen.

It should be noted that the overwhelming majority of politicians come from families that have silver spoons wedged so far up their ass since birth it looks like they’ve had fillings. When people list the deadliest people on the planet, politicians are typically right around the top. Mao (and China in general), Hitler, Stalin – a sure-fire way is to put a potato in the crotch of your pants (which makes them a dictator).

Finding Dummies For Dumb Work

In terms of actually doing the dirty work, however, it’s relatively safe to state these guys are cowards in the long run. Finding weak-minded individuals that readily adhere to whatever doctrine is placed in front of them, causing endless turmoil and suffering while dabbling in heavy methamphetamine usage. There are those that point, and those that pull the trigger, and politicians are pointers on the best of days, never having the gall to enter a battlefield themselves.

At this point, it’s well known that a congressman hopeful has been recorded threatening a member running for the same hotly contested seat 😠 down in Florida (the general shithole of rhetoric and stupidity). They’re on the same side of the aisle, but what many politicians are seeking is power, and those that interfere with this glory hounding can be found suicided with a few bullets in the back of their head.

But Which Side?

Any time we discuss the foaming shit that escapes from a politician’s mouth, we never mention the party involved. It doesn’t make any sense to do the work for the reader in deciphering precisely how upset they should be depending on where they stand on what issues.
Many outlets offer political parties before they even approach names, causing everyone to shut down the conversation and reform the classic lines of political beliefs. Both sides are ever eager to defend ‘their side’ and bash the other side instead of making any progress like the human race used to do.

In the recording gained by POLITICO😠, William Braddock repeatedly mentions his access to ‘Ukrainian and Russian’ assassins that he could employ against same-party opponent Anna Luna if it looks like she might win. Likening Anna Luna to both a ‘fucking speed bump’ and a ‘dead squirrel’, the recording of the conversation seems to paint William Braddock as a typical silver-spooner that gained most of his ‘grit’ from watching Sunday-night reruns of The Sopranos.

Silence is (Golden) Violence

I wanted to link POLITICO here, but they give away the game immediately about political parties. If you want to watch the entirety of the leak, scroll down to our omnipresent ‘Sources’ header at the bottom.

The New Political

Now, it’s worth mentioning, if politicians are eager to allow violence 😠 to get to power, most of Washington DC is going to have a bad time. I don’t think people with active retirement plans are going to hold a candle to the massive fury of millions of Americans suddenly loosed to get this country into shape. It’s also important to note that Americans are the proletariats here; only upper-class individuals are allowed to threaten murder and remain in serious contest for a Congressional seat.

So, What Are You Good At?

I aced the ASVAB when I was entering the military, but I was homeless as well. I wasn’t necessarily in a position to explore for the sake of the future, but more so conducted a desperate scrambling to take care of the ‘now’. I asked the recruiter what would have the greatest impact with my ASVAB score, and was guided to being a glorified door-kicker through the length of my military time (about 8 years).

This was unfortunate as my body slowly deteriorated after two deployments under brutal conditions, leaving me looking at getting out. You must do this whole song and dance with a career guide as you’re exiting (which teaches you how to beg for a job), and sitting down with this gentlemen (who was formerly in the military, and was hired by the military to guide exiting military members on how to find a job outside of the military based entirely on his ability to instantly gain a job within the military upon leaving the military) was a bit of an eye-opening experience for me.

I was great at a lot of things. Kicking in doors, using shaped charges, getting shot at, occasionally shooting back, getting blown up, and cutting off a piss in mid-stream. Unfortunately, few companies are looking for a grizzled combat veteran in the board room.

This is worsened by the standard bullshit of veterans they show to America in film and television – PTSD, hiding under tables, and crying a lot. Combat veterans aren’t necessarily viewed as ‘stable’ individuals, but good on Hollywood for gaining a buck. They aren’t necessarily wrong – I’m far from ‘normal’, but how the fuck are you going to air my dirty laundry? Let me make a fool of myself, damn you.

Anyways, if we presume that this incident somehow kicks off the ability to use violence for means of gaining political power in the United States, I’m not necessarily against it. At least figuring out which side has a stronger militia is a better means of elections than the current fact-smearing popularity-contest bullshit that occurs currently.

So, the recording of William Braddock leaves a bit to be desired in terms of grit. For other politicians who want to offer threats of death, I figured I would offer an analysis and scoring of how hard William Braddock wants to be, along with some pointers to not come across as a disheveled lunatic. It’s important to note that the office of William Braddock (naturally) posits that the recording is fake and uses terms such as ‘allegedly’ and ‘no proof’ when confronted with proof.

Classic politician, eh?

How to Get Hard

First, it’s important to decipher who an ideal ass-kicker is. I tend to gravitate more towards classics, such as Clint Eastwood and Marlon Brando as Don Vito Corleone within the Godfather. Being strong, quiet, and respectful is the name of the game when you’re looking for a bit of gravitas. When you see a Karen shrieking at Walmart about not being able to use a coupon from 1993 (as the voice of William Braddock consistently mimics), that is still technically horrifying, but not the type of ‘threatening scary’…it’s closer to ‘why is she allowed in public’ type of fear.

The West African saying of ‘speak softly and carry a big stick’ carries very far when you’re trying to be imposing. Referencing squirrels and speedbumps in your gated community (seemingly the worst that Mr. Braddock must deal with in his life) is, in no way, shape, or form, scary. It’s concerning, yes, but absolutely not frightening.

Next, one must realize that those that have taken life are mournful that they must do so again. Taking a life, for any reason, is an absolute fucking shame. Families are shattered, dreams are never realized, and the future becomes infinitely bleaker with a single squeeze of the trigger. It’s a lot of responsibility, and it weighs very heavily. Rather than boasting like a member of a school club, leaving trailing sentences interlaced with regret is absolutely the better way to go.

All Hat & No Cattle

When William Braddock states ‘I have access to a hit squad, too, Ukrainians and Russians…don’t get caught out in public supporting Luna….Luna’s gonna go down and I hope it’s by herself.’ We can identify a bunch of shit wrong with this sentence held together by Elmer’s glue and Mommy never telling ol’ Willy ‘No.’

Politicians Playing Ganster

This has to be one of the most fun pieces I’ve written, just off the sheer joy of watching some privileged white guy try to string together coherent sentences while threatening others. He realized he was barking up the wrong tree with Ukraine and shifted to Russian assassins, but fuck it, why not both?

Because that’s what Ukrainian assassins located in the shithole of the United States, Florida, fucking do. They find Russians (they get along so well after Russia invaded (again)) and they team up to become Mighty Morphin Gangster Rangers. They all have a cell phone, and the numbers are doled out to the politicians in the area of operation, and they play Murderball until, much like the Highlander, only one remains. Maybe he’s inferring that there is a Ukrainian assassin gang, and a Russian assassin gang, and he can’t decide which one to use just yet.

The only possible reason to use both, at least as far as my battered brain can deduce, is to try to flex that he somehow has seedy connections. Much like political flannel, this guy has zero clue that almost everyone in the prole class knows drug dealers, gang bangers, and other unsavory ne’er-do-wells. He’s desperately trying to flex, and it’s almost cute.

How much better would this have been: ‘It’s unfortunate I do not seem able to convince Ms. Luna of my convictions. There may be other ways, more drastic, to better suit the need for adherence to my strongly-held beliefs.’ Like when you’re trying to shit out a tapeworm, let that bad boy dangle in the air for a moment to let the other person make presumptions. Fucking sick, now you didn’t invite the FBI to no-knock your mansion while still managing to get your point across.

But William Braddock appears to have the foresight of a blind hooker trying to find her corner next to a busy street. All talk, no vision.


Caputo, M. (2021, June 17). In secret recording, Florida ***** threatens to send Russian-Ukrainian ‘hit squad’ after rival. POLITICO. https://www.politico.com/

Image Credit: Sammy Williams | https://www.sanderwilliamsphoto.com/

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