As we finally begin to return to normalcy following the COVID-19 pandemic, many corporate entities are shitting their pants with happiness as they realize that they can soon go back to controlling the lives of the peasantry even more, thus removing any chance of freedom and divergence. We (the peasantry) can turn this in our favor by understanding a few tactics of workplace dominance.
In exchange, middle managers are chomping at the bit to go back to holding a litany of meetings (which should have been emails) that make them feel as though they didn’t peak in high school. We can all use this as an opportunity to come back to the public as a stronger version of ourselves, and impress everyone around with a personal ‘glow-up’ in the hopes of encouraging employers to offer the (very) occasional additional freedoms for their serfs.
So, without further ado, I wanted to offer my readers an opportunity to learn how to establish their dominance in the workplace – a tacit skill learned through years of being homeless, and then further honed by years in the military. If life coaches have taught me anything, it’s that I don’t need office experience in order to teach others how to live in an office environment. Thank goodness.
Establishing Workplace Dominance
The first step you’ll need to take to begin your reign of dominance is to dress for success. What I mean by this is wear ALL of your clothes at once – this allows you to suddenly synergize your ideal temperature with whatever the fuck Cold-Hand Randy has done with the thermostat. Synergization within a corporate environment, as we all know, is almost as good as an upward paradigm shift, and being able to switch apparel faster than the climate can shift 😠 is good news for everyone.
Global Warming, Or Not
As an added bonus, no one can steal your clothes when you’re wearing them all. Ideally you own a Kevlar vest, wedged somewhere between your swimsuit and parka. This would help immensely for the next step.
For your second step, I’m going to share some military strategy gleaned by managing to survive through war zones with obscene amounts of luck. Remember to keep your guard up and treat every individual as a possible threat, else the terrorists will win. Shoot people who don’t respond to your warnings about maintaining an acceptable distance. You should probably shoot near them first (as a warning shot), but if they continue to approach, placing two rounds in their chest is typically a promising way to stop people from ‘getting all up in your face.’
Please note, the military now teaches ‘controlled-pairs’ because the phrase ‘double-tap’ made people uncomfortable (likely due to a standardized fear of tap dancers). Bonus tip – you can likely hide weaponry within your multiple layers of clothes, presuming that you’re closely following step one.
Third, urinate on other people’s seats in the office. This is a pertinent aspect for dominance – (on the street, if others are sleeping in areas that you deem as ‘your territory’, urinating on those spots will deter them from staying). Urinating on the chair while they occupy it is a ‘two for one’ unless they’re adhering to the same bevy of rules as you. In which you should be able to notice by how many clothes they are wearing, and intelligently avoid approaching them too quickly due to step two.
The final aspect that we simply must touch on to ensure your dominance within the workplace is to always ensure you have your ear protection in. You never know when a firefight will pop off, or if mortars will drop on your position – it brings the added benefit of having an excuse to ignore the piss out of your boss. If your boss is literally pissing, however (and perhaps wearing a bevy of clothes), and aiming the stream of urination at workspaces, you should probably take out the ear protection to listen for commands to not approach them quickly.
Also note, if you are a woman following any of these recommendations makes you seen as a huge controlling bitch who is, quite possibly, on her period.
Asides aside, if you’ve managed to follow all these steps, then congratulations: Much like a pregnant hooker, you’ve just been fucked out of a job.
Image Credit: Mustafa Omar : Nairobi, Kenya – Note the image subject is not the implied prostitute within this satirical piece.
