Ghost Sex – Post-Mortem Ejaculation

I watched the film Ghost when I was a younger lad, and I recall that it had the most charming cast of bizarre characters with Whoopi Goldberg as a medium, Demi Moore as an erotically charged potter, and Patrick Swayze as a gunshot victim. The 1990 movie touched on a lot of things, such as Patrick Swayze attempting to stop a home robbery while he was dead. Also, ghost sex.

The character was unable to interact with anything, on account of being dead, except the Rastafarian medium Whoopi Goldberg (that’s a Jewish name, right*), yet he clearly held specific desires through the transition of life and death. When ghosts are brought up, the standard reasoning of their existence revolves around “unfinished business” that keeps them tethered to the earth. 

This is concerning, primarily due to how batshit-crazy humans can be.

I can’t recall precisely why Patrick Swayze was turned into a ghost instead of passing on as responsible corpses ought to, but I do recall multiple sexually charged scenes while Berlin repeated “Take My Breath Away’ ad infinitum, although I could be mixing that up with Top Gun on account of them both being generally shitty 90’s movies 😠 that frankly don’t withstand the test of time.

Back to Ghost – the movie, not Casper 😠. That’s a whole different matter. If I recall correctly, under special circumstances, Demi Moore would be able to ‘feel’ the presence of Patrick Swayze’s lingering…miasma of his ghost-like existence. This implies a realm of sexually-charged ghosts eagerly cumming *on everyone’s faces as we go about our day.

This may be somewhat concerning for some, but it doesn’t appear that everyone can see ghost jizz, which should mitigate some concern.

Let’s think about this objectively. Frankly spoken, humanity is well-known for being a fucking bizarre species – the number of people who want to have sexual intercourse with an anime character could be concerning if it didn’t make fantastic comedic fodder. To be fair, anime girls don’t harass men after ejaculation about doing the dishes, but they also don’t exist. For funsies, let’s assume the movie is correct. 

That ghosts appear when people expire with ‘unfinished business.’ The entire existence of the male gender, I assure you, hinges upon sexual proclivities. This brings us to a world where men are dying with unfulfilled wishes of the kinkiest means, only moving on after conducting the ghost sex. Perhaps they just needed to have sex with one specific person, or maybe their kinky desires that prevent them from moving onwards are a bit more difficult to attain.

This means that there’s an entire demographic of humanity (women too) that will roam the world after dying in an attempt to have sex with a cartoon character. Furthermore, there’s an appalling lack of evidence that ghosts can move into cartoons from the physical world, meaning these introverted cartoon-lovers are just roaming the earth with a working ballsack and the urge to empty it. Sad for them.

Perhaps we should take a moment to discuss ghost sex before slipping any further into the realm of undead-bukkake. 

Back to the topic on hand, if we do have a hidden realm of reality where sexually frustrated individuals roam around skeeting on everything not nailed down in an attempt to fulfill whatever hole their mommy-issues left, we must consider that there are also those that have a strong, burning desire to defecate in bizarre locations. These people will transfer to the ghost realm with full bowels and a need to void themselves.

This passes the briefest of rationale checks – if ghost balls can be full, so can ghost colons.

I don’t think someone can see ghost poop either, meaning if you’re a boss and an employee recently passed, you may want to wipe down your desk every morning as a precautionary task. The idea here is that there may be ghost shit on your desk, and you could wantonly place papers on top of the pile of ghost shit which is what causes papers to occasionally stick to your desk.

The ultimate task here that we, the living, would need to take to bear is a difficult one to offer peace for the world of defecate-filled and horny ghosts, but it’s our duty (heh) to help them. With ghost sex. There is a chance that a ghost is merely waiting for an opportunity to have sex with you, male or female, and cannot depart from the world until they do. To that end, I propose that we all lay nude for a few minutes every night in various sexual positions to allow ghosts to have their way with us so they can finally pass on.

It might seem weird to lubricate your anus every night and prop up on all fours while you feel a sudden chill at the ole rusty-sheriffs badge, but that’s the fee we must pay in order to usher people towards the metaphorical light if we’re to maintain that a realm of ghosts exists. We also must be aware that the ghosts may have more specific desires with us – while unpleasant to imagine, they could want us to deepthroat ghost-cock, which means that we all need to hold our mouths open for ten-minute increments every night just in case.

If that’s rough, imagine being the male attempting to usher women towards the light.

We have to thrust nothing in the hope that a ghost is riding our dick while staying hard (which becomes an increasingly difficult process with every year that passes). God forbid the ghost wants us to eat them out because that means fifteen minutes of playing a one-sided game of rock-em sock-em robots with our tongue while face down in the bed. Plus, some ghost dudes ostensibly swing both ways, so guys will need to echo all the steps a woman ghost-guider must take.

Note: This will only work if everyone does this, every night, all around the world. Feel free to send photos if you’re attractive.

We encourage you to save this article for future reference – if your significant other walks in while you’re playing DJ Scratch-a-Clit, you can just explain that you were doing your daily ghost sex as your civic duty. You now have an excuse to masturbate as often as humanly possible. Even if we had to discuss Tom Cruise to get here.

Image Credit – Thomas Willmott | tomwillmott.co.uk