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Following guidance can be tricky, as people aren’t entirely precise about what they expect. When you’re told to ‘hit the showers’, how clean (via percentages) do you need to be before you can safely turn off the spigot with the idea that you’ve tried your best? Enter task percentage, where everything boils down to an ideal percentage for completion.

Life is a convoluted fuck-fest of chaos, where humans are tasked with discerning standards, or normalcy, in order to fit in with the rest of the over-evolved monkeys. 😠 To help the process of figuring out what standards are, I’ve developed a theory of percentages that consistently makes people eyeball me like I’m growing a dick on my forehead.

The Theory of Evolution

The prevailing scientific theory is that we’ve evolved from monkeys, stepping back through millennia into a primordial ooze that had the poor taste to attempt to evolve. Currently, with carbon dating and fossils, the theory stands far truer than other theories on the development of our current fuck fiesta called life.

This is a theory, which is all we currently have, and likely ever will. Just as religions offer theories on the origins of life, so too does science. The primary difference is that when science has been disproved, science shifts to consider the new evidence, rather than pretend the evidence doesn’t exist. This is really just an extended ploy for you not to start shit-posting in the comments.

I didn’t say this practice would be widely acceptable, just that it seems ideal.

Mathematics, but Not the Boring Kind

Life, in its entirety, boils down to math. Occasionally, that math is an esoteric and convoluted mess of shit, but it’s arguably better to have any type of equation rather than none. The task percentage theory brings to bear that everything completed within this plane of reality is done at a percentage that consistently falls short of what many believe as the standard due primarily to a lack of introspective reasoning and meditation. 😠

Meditation Made Easy

Meditation doesn’t need to involve a bunch of candles and burning incense inserted into your urethra. Really, it’s just offering your brain a quiet, peaceful time to reflect and offer some introspection. It’s also vital to living a well-rounded life, although that approaches the fringe of opinion rather than fact, due primarily to the fact that I’m just over sourcing every queef I force on this website. Go do your own research, nerd.

Prayer can easily be considered meditation, although that depends on whether you’re just begging for a bunch of random shit or if you’re openly reflecting. That being said, and I’d be damned if I don’t try to make some enemies, but I believe the forte of many to be begging. 

Whether it’s for health, peace, or anything, it ultimately comes down to some form of begging, which feels (frankly) a bit out of place. Like…you’re asking the big guy upstairs who napped through the entirety of the holocaust for shit that’s less traumatic than the holocaust. What did you think would happen?

There is a percentage of cleanliness for an ideal shower, and that isn’t 100%. When asking close friends, the unerring response is that a shower lasts until an individual is 100% clean. When we examine further, however, shit gets uncomfortable. Did you open every wrinkle in your nutsack and give a vigorous scrubbing? How deep within your butt crack did you scrub? Did you use a toothbrush (not your own, of course) to get the folds of the wrinkled anus? Did you clean the inside of your nostrils, or exfoliate the eyelids 😠?

In Concern of Cleanliness

Inevitably, people are going to begin arguing right about here. The problem with the argument, of whether or not you’re supposed to clean specific areas on the body, comes from a sense of normalcy and standards that are likely self-developed. I’ve never received a manual stating what areas should be scrubbed, so it’s a lot of guessing. 

I’m presuming we shouldn’t reach inside ourselves, which stops us from needing to use a toilet brush inside of our anus. But the inside of the nostrils is easily reached, and typically disgusting. I encourage everyone to scrub the inside of their nostrils and eyelids.

Eventually, one of two things will happen. Either they will break down and admit that they aren’t 100% clean after a shower, or they’ll lie through their teeth. I feel like 90% is a good percentage to aspire for, although that may be too high. The high-traffic areas, such as the butt cheeks, shoulders, chest, and eyelids are all due a good scrubbing. When we teach children how to clean themselves, then, it’s only fair that we explain that they should aspire for 90%.

The Task Percentage

This is true in other areas as well. I was recently beside myself when discussing the cleaning of the kitchen counters with my wife. I asked what percentage of countertops should be cleaned on a nightly basis, once dinner has been executed. The answer, surprisingly, was all of it, which translates to 100%. This is an inaccurate claim, which I was far too quick to point out. The sink lip rests on the counter with an unreachable area, and I’ve watched her clean around the coffee maker multiple times.

The theory, that the kitchen must be dismantled every evening concluding supper, seems bizarre. Further, it doesn’t appear as though she adheres to her own advice, which makes it seem that I’m being set up for an elaborate ploy. I think 70% of the counters being clean is ideal, but that ultimately comes down to your kitchen layout and how much you enjoy dismantling things. I asked my editor how thoroughly she cleans her counters, and she apparently brings in a construction crew every evening with her 100% task percentage.

When floors need vacuuming, the puzzle continues. Consistently, 100% of floors must be vacuumed although the moving furniture doesn’t always happen. Even the flooring that is visible invokes difficulty in reaching 100% as there is no absolute system that ensures 100% cleanliness. The odds of missing a spot are far too high to confidently state that, every time you vacuum, you hit 100% of available floors.

Moving Forward with Brain Damage

Task percentage theory stretches into everything that you do in life. Defecation voids, what, 70% of your bowels? When driving, 105% of posted speeds is typically low enough to not warrant a ticket, but the elderly drive anywhere between 20% to 300% of posted speeds, often with their turn signal blinking the entire time.

Use percentages for clear-cut instructions in life and watch as everyone calls you retarded. Eventually, however, there is the possibility of you creating a new normal. One discerned by percentages.

Image Credit: Annie Spratt | https://www.AnnieSpratt.com/

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