how to find a mate
Can I get a Bailout

How to Find a Mate – A Mathematical Theory Of Sex

The Fauci Email Leak – Struggles With Comprehension

Can I Get a Bailout? – The Benefits of Being Rich

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There is a litany of outlets that herald one means or another to guide people on how to find a mate. A shocking number of them incorporate some buffoonery of psychological warfare to keep a partner. In my experience, it’s far easier to find a mate for a quick bang (without finding your local prostitute), or long-term partnership, if you can understand the intrinsic human value.

The longstanding issue with mathematics is that many struggle to apply learned mathematics to real-world scenarios. Mathematics can be a fascinating subject once you get around the absolute truckload of bullshit spewed out in high school. Teenagers are given hundreds of problems with the same formula to repeat ad nauseum with next to zero connection to the implication, and then it’s on to the next esoteric formula.

There are only so many times Juan can put 87 watermelons in his truck, and the racial implications are concerning. Every time the Pythagorean Theorem is brought up, eyes inevitably glaze over.  If you start telling young adults that they can use math to find some sex, however, the tune would likely change drastically. The human conundrum of how to find a mate is actually simple math, once you understand values.

An Underlying Floor of Value

We can safely propose that every human on the planet – or every living entity, with rational thought as we know it, has a systemic process of values and ideals. These change for every individual, yet there are consistent values across species. Almost all humans would value the ability to hold a conversation, and many find humor to be a desirable trait.

For example, ranting for six hours on an unprovoked monologue about how the moon landing is faked is likely a less sought ability, but take heart – there are potential mates that would find that ability to be valuable. Whether or not one would like to be penetrated by such an individual is an entirely different matter.

These values ultimately act as variables that must be solved for. Some of these variables are intrinsic in nature – the girth of a cock, or the size and shape of breasts. This can offer a hurdle for people seeking how to find a mate, but there is an additional hand in play. Other values can be adjusted with reflection and meditation – acceptance of other ways of life, or a willingness to work on oneself throughout life.

The Variables of Value

Further, we all place different emphasis on differing values: some may find an emotionally stable partner to be far more important than a penis with a six-pack, while others cannot register the existence of a potential mate unless they have a face chiseled by Adonis himself. Being emotionally available for a partner could rank high or low, and the desired level of mental fortitude can similarly waver between people.

Even physical attraction can waver on priority – a blind guy is less likely to be concerned if you have the facial structure of melted butter, and a deaf woman would be indifferent if your voice sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard. Occasionally, your values could match that of a parental unit within the potential mate’s life, offering a greater value of that variable.

It’s important to note a damning factor for this theory – I propose that the vast majority of the human species could not properly distinguish what variable they hold for which value in a potential mate. We could offer a number line towards interviewees and ask them to write a number between zero and ten to distinguish what values they hold at what standard, but the sheer heft of values available makes it a seemingly futile endeavor.

Ever have a conversation with someone you’ve known for a long time, and they utter some stupid shit that makes you reconsider ever giving them the time of day? That’s the uncovering of a value that doesn’t match your own, and the relationship could either grow beyond it or begin to crumble at that moment. Struggles with how to find a mate could take a sudden turn when that mate turns into a contradiction of value and belief.

These values become your tangible worth to a potential mate. The first thing anyone must do is decipher what their intrinsic value is towards others, by analyzing themselves gently and with integrity.

The Golden Rule

A human must have greater than or equal to the desired values of a desired mate for that relationship to fundamentally work, or even begin. These values are all scored differently in importance by individuals – some may value attractiveness extremely high, and others may value a decent set of tits. You cannot change the values of others, either – if someone ranks fitness highly, then your choices are to either get that ass to the gym or find someone who better matches what you offer 😠.

The Chunky Monkey

There’s the shoe that was going to drop. You cannot be attractive to the entire universe at once. Truth be told, if you look like you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be getting the belle of the ball (or balls from the hunk). This theory does hold true, however, presuming that one who doesn’t take care of themselves could find a mate with one who similarly doesn’t care for themselves. If that’s a bitter taste, then you must equalize the equation back towards your favor.

The good news, however, is that value can be entirely eschewed if you can rank highly in other values, such as the ability to financially provide, but it isn’t a great pick-up tactic to start slapping broads with your bank statement in a bar until one of them blows you. Thus, prior to beginning the work of how to find a mate, it is extremely wise to invest heavily in yourself.

Investing in One’s Value

You can invest in yourself in a myriad of ways, and this is a pursuit which should be never-ending in both depth and scope. Reading books on philosophy 😠 to enlighten yourself, going to the gym, and even talking to a therapist are all ways to increase your personal values. You should never stop working on yourself to become a better human – I promise there’s a litany of shit wrong with you, and a slew of things to improve upon.

The Pit of Shit

Forewarned is forearmed.

There are going to be potential partners who are turned off by your attempt to improve yourself. I like to call this phenomenon the ‘pit of shit’. Some feel threatened when others are actively attempting to improve, and others may feel threatened by being with people who enjoy pursuing esoteric knowledge. These award-winners are rolling around in the pit of shit comfortably – it’s their normal – and others attempting to escape from the pit of shit threaten their lifestyle as they’ve grown accustomed to. This means that they find themselves (subconsciously, in my experience) attempting to drag others down into the pool of normalcy.

Always be better than yesterday. 😠

Aren’t I Flawless?

This can be a divisive theory, although we’re no strangers to that here at the MadScribbler. I’ve had a multitude of concussions throughout my life, so when I come across a situation where it’s ‘prior me’ versus ‘present me,’ I tend to side with the prior version of myself as I presume I’ve had more brain cells when I made that decision. Conversely, some may find themselves to be the most perfect version possible at all times, making self-investment a daunting proposal until they manage to get the fuck over themselves.

Sweet Baby Jesus, Here Comes Math

For the sake of placing out some mathematical theory in discerning how to find a mate, let’s presume that we could feasibly test every value of a person (dating websites, such as eHarmony, attempt to do precisely this) on a (-5) to 5 scale (zero being skipped for clarity in results) presented as 1 – 10. Values selected lower than six, such as four, would convert to a negative integer. We then multiply the scores of a specific value against each other from the same prompt, allowing us to discern and enlarge drastic incompatibilities.


Subjects A & B received the following prompt: Fidelity is important to me: rank 1 through 10

Subject A selects 9, Subject B selects 2

When translated to the (-) to  scale, Subject A is a 4, and Subject B is a (-3), which when multiplied gives us (-12). Since the product is negative, they are incompatible on this prompt.  

We will presume, for the sake of brevity (hah), that we are matching 100 values across partners ranging from the allure of classical literature to the willingness to defecate on a public sidewalk, and everything in between. So, we take the results of all 100 prompts, with the knowledge that the maximum value presented is 5, meaning the flawless score of our testing is 500, meaning (somehow) a perfect match.

Now we will add modifiers because you don’t want to date an exact version of you. There needs to be slight volatility between two partners to ensure that there is a dynamic of give-and-take. If Subject A is willing to defecate on the sidewalk, but Subject B loves cleaning sidewalk shit, that actually turns into a net positive for the relationship. These tangential equations can be difficult for precise metrics, but we’re thankfully throwing all of this away.

We’ve proved that, presuming one could ask an infinite number of questions to receive a precise metric of values for any given human that could then be matched with others. Thus, to increase the opportunity of mating, an individual must invest in themselves to ensure that the value that they are bringing is, and we’re repeating ourselves to ensure it gets through your skull, greater than or equal to the desired values of a potential mate to match their approximate value bracket.

Value-Dick and Cut-Rate Pussy

This is all a preface for receiving that high-value dick and pussy, but we’re not about that here. Granted, it may be odd to spend 1,600+ words to preface, but I like to flaunt my bizarre means of thinking and force everyone brave enough to trod along, hand in hand, until a nugget of brilliance drops unexpectedly like the dingleberry that just won’t wipe off.

The good news is, if you find your value to be fascinatingly little, there are tons of other low-tier humans like yourself. If investing in yourself is too difficult, then what you’re actually seeking is the value-dick and cut-rate pussy. 

Fortunately, this is found in spades.

Unfortunately, one might realize that their low personal value doesn’t hold a candle to just how low it can go.

Those who actively deploy psychological warfare to keep a partner, abusers, and those who cavort about in the previously described ‘pit of shit’ are ideal low-value individuals that can likely be mated with, for however fleeting a period of time, regardless of how low your personal score is. You will, however, need to remove the key variable within this equation.

Much like how a relationship can be formed with a human holding a value of greater than or equal to your own, with various values being held higher or lower in importance, the only thing you need to do to find yourself some value-dick is to lower your standards. Exponentially.

To put it briefly, lunch ladies need lovin’ too. As do homeless men, burn victims, bus drivers, police officers, and others that are generally passed on in favor of higher-scoring individuals. There are also contributing factors that can temporarily lower the score of others. Alcohol and methamphetamine addiction both lower scores rather quickly, as does ecstasy. 😠

Delicious Hard Drugs

Never have sex on ecstasy. It’s too good and will ruin you for life. Actually, most hard drugs are smartly dodged. And try not to have sex on hard drugs. Just general rules of life, here, wrought from disastrous experiences.

Can the Ends Justify The Means?

Now, if mating with alligator-attack victims and politicians for the rest of your life doesn’t sound appealing, then you simply need to increase your personal score. Increasing your score doesn’t necessarily revolve around sweat and hardship (although it absolutely can). Acts such as taking a daily walk around the street, reading literature to expand your vocabulary, and meditation all improve your score drastically versus those that do not.

So does doing well in school, altruistic acts, grabbing a high-paying job, and otherwise succeeding at life. With the proper match, there are other things that can positively affect your score that are less good. Dealing drugs, serving time in prison, skipping school – these will match well with individuals who rate these traits, or experiences, highly. The downside is that you’re matching with someone who rates these things highly.

This is the downside of tapping mates that are on a metaphorical clearance – that shit is being sold cheaply for a reason, there, sport. When finding the lower denominators of mates, the likelihood of the downsides of sex rearing their head increase exponentially. Consequences for shopping at the clearance rack are notable: sexually transmitted diseases, a lack of fidelity within the partnership, a complete disregard for emotional and mental wellness, and so on.

Perhaps this is most tangible when crafting a metaphor – human values are like the high scores in a video game, and most individuals are willing to fuck within their own bracket of points. If you want to bang a higher bracket, start grinding out some points. The answer to ‘how to find a mate’ is far simpler than most believe.

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