penis enlargement pills

Penis Enlargement Pills – The Folly of Male Hubris

Chasing Normal – Fried Chicken and Altar Boys

Self-Imposed Eugenics – Anti-Maskers Considering Masks

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Men cannot go online to ‘shuffle the truffle’ without being barraged by advertisements taking up valuable screen space. These adverts focus on two things – the surprising number of women within my area who are eager to have sex, and increasing the growth of a penis via penis enlargement pills. The adverts, as presented, are focused on the task at hand, but it seems implausible to function as advertised simply due to how men are wired.

Mo’ penis, mo’ problems

There’s absolutely no way that penis enlargement pills could actually work on the fundamental level that many companies propose. At the end of the day, men are a generally stupid sex that falls folly to frolicking fornication far faster than fair females. The function of a pill that increases cock size would result in the inevitable death of the species as a whole.

To be fair, it is a delicate segment of male fragility – boys gauge other penises while watching porn, might catch a glimpse in the shower, and can read a woman’s face rather well when she sees it for the first time. The stories of micro-penises similarly weigh heavily; even if they’re embroiled in myth, there is a primal concern that you don’t have the biggest cock on the block.

The idea of being laughed at when you’re sitting at full mast and unable to prop up a boy scout tent, much less a circus one, is a horrifying aspect. One must take note that very little of this is embroiled in reality, but somehow men equate the size of their cock with the masculinity that they offer.

To this end, penis enlargement pills would kill humanity.

The Folly of Hubris

Men simply would not stop taking them, once one was found to actually work. All it would take is one family walking around the block, with the dad needing a wheelbarrow to keep his cock from dragging on the ground, and you’d have a heft of men within that neighborhood dying within a week from overdosing.

Wheelbarrows would then become the new normal, which would encourage other men to start making their penis larger than wheelbarrows would carry. One day, the family is walking around the block and the dad has an industrial crane treading next to him to carry the weight of his dick. A new wave of death spread across the neighborhood that same week.

The standard grows more extreme while women become concerned about ever being able to mate again. A woman bravely tries, then dies, from complications of taking a penis larger than her car. Men would start icing their penis to fit in, and then tear open a woman once erect. It would be fucking bizarre, if not outright horrifying. 😠
The Classic Chestburster

I really liked the idea of plugging in a link of the classic chestburster scene from the 1979 film, Alien. A silly connection that might get a few laughs as I wax esoteric on the idea of infinitely growing dicks.

Upon rewatching it, however, the scene remains one of the more gruesome and disturbing events in film over 40 years later. The scene was made entirely without greenscreens and modern techniques, and the actors had no idea what was about to happen. This tasked director Ridley Scott with needing the shot to be correct in the first try, as the copious amounts of blood would be difficult to clean for additional shots. Stanley Kubrick notably called Ridley Scott after a screening in his astonishment of the scene.

The actors and actresses knew something was going to happen, but the shock as a baby alien crawled from John Hurt’s chest was genuine. That reaction made the scene as we know it today. Sigourney Weaver also solidified herself as one of the best things to happen to Hollywood.

This still would not be enough for men, although none of them would ever admit to taking penis enlarging pills. ‘I was born like this’ they would say as a parade of indigenous pygmy men lead their girth around the store like a game of Snake gone horribly awry. Acrobats would try, and fail, to masturbate enough men to contain their seed for future propagation – the growth of cocks wouldn’t drastically increase the quantity of semen, however, resulting in pathetic dribbles of man juice if it could escape the urethra at all.

Then, a new drug would enter the market, offering guaranteed fire hose ejaculations. Women are shot gunned out of windows every night within residential suburbs, making for an interesting orchestra among the standard litany of crickets suddenly falling silent, almost in reverie for another woman being launched across the street into a stop sign. Those brave enough to breed with these mega men would inevitably befall a gruesome fate.

School zones would have to have a five-mile radius of ‘jizz-free’ zones due to the odds of a sperm shower, which would rain upon children and kind of ruin their day, if not life. Many men, embroiled in the greatest cock-measuring contest of all time, would need nursing staff to mitigate bed sores and ensure overall health – a futile endeavor.

Within a year of the penis enlargement pills coming to market, erection would result in the brain death of the male due to a lack of blood. This wouldn’t stop men, who would then have a new challenge. The Air Force would get on board as a complicated recruiting plot (resulting in many top brasses publicly retiring) and teach breathing exercises to people to not blackout under the pull of extreme forces.

Shortly before the expiry of the species, uncircumcised men would begin heralding the benefits of their foreskin as a makeshift backpack, sparking another wave of growth as they begin competing to stuff the most shit into their turtlenecks.

Until all of this starts to happen, you can rest assured that those dick embiggening pills do not work.

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